The Intimacy Issue: Sex, Love, and Mental Health

The stats are clear: mental illness rates in the US have been rising steadily for the past 35 years and sharply for the past 20. Other countries haven't done much better. Explanations abound: Social media. Coddled kids. Better diagnosis. Bad therapy. Toxins. Stress. All relevant, for sure, but none entirely satisfying. 

In time for Valentine's Day, here's our wild hypothesis: Mental health has been tanking since the 1990s because we as a society have warped the ancient and neuroprotective human experience of love with a set of concepts that sound enriching but are actually impoverishing: consent, empathy, attachment, validation, and sex-positivity.

Originating in 20th-century schools of thought, these five concepts have pulverized and diluted love--a deep, strong, sometimes painful, often joyful, always soul-stirring force--into a bland mush of ephemeral urges, shallow fancies, and transactional (even predatory) pursuits dressed up in therapy-speak. We don't think it's a coincidence that half of young people reach adulthood never having been in love. Why would they bother? Today's "romantic relationship" sounds equal parts exhausting, risky, and boring.

Which would be fine, except for one thing: love, especially long-lasting love, is key to human happiness. And while romantic love is definitely not the only kind of love that counts, it tends to be the kind through which we grow the most, developing the emotional chops to build and sustain closeness not just with a partner, but with a family, children, friends, community ... even ourselves.

So, this V-Day, we at Mindfalls ask: What about love?

Daven Lee is an intimacy coach. She is also the creator of the twice-sold-out Power of the Yin oracle deck (a few of the cards illustrate this piece), an adept of various wisdom traditions and healing therapies, and a dear friend. We met through our daughters, who went to the same funky little K-8 school in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Daven is a true wisewoman. I can think of no one better to ask for advice on sex, love, and mental health. In this wide-ranging interview, we talk about the sexual soul, the field of the Yin, the negatives of sex positivity, what to do about overlong hugs, and much more.

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Jocelyn Davis: What does it mean to be an intimacy coach?

Daven Lee: People come to me for help with sexual and relationship challenges. I focus on women over 50 who feel a deep, unmet longing: a longing to express something inside them that, for various reasons, went underground and became inaccessible. Often, they are longing for a soul connection with another person. And we always work on intimacy with themselves, because that’s where intimacy with others begins.

Jocelyn Davis writes books about leadership, history, literature, and mental health. Learn more at JocelynRDavis.com.

This week’s excerpt from Insubordinate features the Temptress, one of “twelve timeless female archetypes reimagined and refreshed with stories of literary and everyday women who fought, cajoled, commanded, schemed, or blasted their way free of the chains that bound them.” (Want to know your archetype? There’s a quiz!)

Chapter 1 presents Bizet’s Carmen and my former colleague Caroline as examples of the Temptress. She fits beautifully with our Valentine’s Day themes of love, risk, and the sexual soul.

–Jocelyn

… She is not a dominatrix in thigh-high boots or a sugar-baby in a pushup bra. Indeed, the Temptress wears whatever she likes—though she won’t hesitate to flaunt her physical assets, if doing so will help her attract the type of attention she wants from whom she wants. Her main characteristic, as I’ve said, is her daring: not only in matters of erotic love but in the whole sphere of personal relationships. We might call her a daredevil of human connection.

Such a daredevil was Caroline, a marketing executive at the consulting firm where I worked beginning in 1989. Caroline had lustrous dark hair, a wide smile, and an infectious laugh. She had nice legs, which from time to time she would encase in fishnet hose. (While nylons or tights were standard professional wear for women back then, fishnets certainly were not.) A Harvard Business School alumna, she was acknowledged by all to be a brilliant mind and was never shy about taking credit for successes. One of my first memories of her occurred a few weeks after I’d started at the company, at an all-staff gathering in the lobby of our Boston headquarters. Our CEO was running through the results for the quarter, and when he announced the goal-beating rollout of a new product, Caroline yelled out: “That one’s mine!” Nothing about my team or ours—just mine. Pretty self-centered, right? But her tone was so happy, so unselfconsciously exuberant, that the braggadocio didn’t seem to matter.

“Intimacy Crisis” in Modern Relationships
This article explores how many people, especially younger adults, feel emotionally disconnected even when they want loving relationships. It discusses loneliness and reduced intimacy as drivers of relationship dissatisfaction, highlighting how emotional preparedness and social expectations shape love and mental well‑being in the digital age.

AI Chatbots and Digital Companions Are Reshaping Emotional Connection
A Psychology/American Psychological Association article examines how digital companions and AI are reshaping emotional bonds. It discusses both the mental health benefits and risks of turning to AI for emotional support instead of human love, an emerging part of how relationships affect psychological health.

1 in 4 Men Believe No One Will Ever Fall in Love With Them
Survey results report that about 1 in 4 men believe no one will ever fall in love with them. This reflects broader mental‑health implications of feeling unlovable, affecting confidence and emotional well‑being in romantic contexts.

Teens Turning to AI for Love and Comfort
This article highlights a survey showing that many teens are using AI for romantic connection and emotional comfort. This trend raises questions about how young people’s emotional and relational development, and therefore their mental health, is being shaped by technology. 

Article: Teens Are Forgoing a Classic Rite of Passage. A teacher finds herself in a strange position of late: trying to convince her students that romantic love is worthwhile. "A first love, for so many, has been a milestone on the path to adulthood—a challenging, thrilling, world-expanding experience that can help people understand who they are and whom they’re looking for. What’s lost if that rite of passage disappears?"

Video interview:  The Evolutionary Roots of Love, Sex, and Jealousy.  The Skeptic's Michael Shermer talks in-depth with evolutionary biologist and sex researcher Justin Garcia, author of The Intimate Animal. Stick with it (or skip ahead) to the 30-minute mark; most of the interesting stuff is after that.

Movie: It Happened One Night. Released 90 years ago, it remains the quintessential rom-com. Claudette Colbert is the spoiled heiress who runs away to marry the man she thinks she loves; Clark Gable is the down-on-his-luck reporter who joins her cross-country escapade, thinking he'll make a tidy sum for the story. The dialogue is sparkling, the chemistry off the charts, the ending spicily poetic. Hey, all you love-skeptical kids: watch and learn!

Essay: Friction Makes Life Worth Living. I'm including this essay by Josh Kaplan (The Free Press) mostly for the wonderful Kurt Vonnegut quotation, which concludes: "We’re dancing animals. How beautiful it is to get up and go do something." Beautiful, indeed.

The Mindfalls newsletter is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional help. If you are having a mental health crisis, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, reach out to your doctor, or go to the nearest emergency room.